This Spring Chicken has Definitely Flown the Coop

By Buster McNutt

A week ago Wednesday I received my first Social Security check. Now I’m almost afraid to look in the mirror for fear that what I’ll see looking back is a scruffy-faced werewolf, only all the facial hair will be coming out of my nose and ears. Oh wait, that happened about a year ago, and, spoiler alert, Grecian Formula and Q-Tips are totally ineffective in these areas.

And the Social Security people apparently rat you out as well. Since that fateful SS Wednesday (definitely not a cruise ship) I’ve received calls and mailings from companies selling hearing aids, “senior-friendly” bathtub conversion kits, fall-down-go-boom alert bracelets, funeral plots, and — my favorite — a brochure from an area crematorium that said: “Your last chance for a smoking hot body!” I tossed it in the fireplace, which seemed appropriate.

Then there are the church ladies who suddenly started showing up at the front door. They hunt in pairs and usually have names like “Rosemary” and “Sage,” as if their parents named them from the contents of a spice rack, or maybe from a Simon and Garfunkel song they were listening to at a particularly romantic time in their lives. I’m sure they mean well and probably work on commission, and they generally leave you with a colorful little brochure talking about their church, the benefits of not burning in Hell forever, and, in one case, a coupon good for a two dollar discount on a six pack of Ensure Plus.

Then I got one of those singing cards, only it wasn’t my birthday. I should have been suspicious when the front of the card had a picture of the “aged appropriately” Village People, and when I opened it, the song was, your guessed it: “It’s fun to be in the A-A-R-P!”

But the weirdest thing was all the attention I started getting from car dealerships and companies that sell auto accessories, apparently targeted toward the “grey market,” if you get my drift. So why, when you turn three score and change, are your automotive needs supposed to change? I had calls from salesmen at three auto dealerships suggesting that I trade in my “aging 4WD pickup” for something a little easier to climb in and out of. One lady salesperson said she was about my age, and that from a “mature-woman” perspective, “that pickup truck thing is so 1990s!” Hot News Flash, Granny Goodwrench: The last time I was in your kind of “pickup” market, Elvis was still making bad movies, a TV detective was still driving a French “Poo-Joe” car, and the JC Whitney catalog was still selling Necker Knobs, ultrasonic deer whistles, and those hard-to-find-but-tire-saving gyroscopic wheel stabilizers. 

I was tempted by the “EscaLadder Junior,” which expands into a four-foot ladder with hooks on top to fit over the side of the pickup bed. It has a cord that you plug into your truck’s cigarette lighter, and when you hit the start button it raises you up so you can easily step over into the back of your truck. Getting a running start and using Bubba’s old bike jumping ramp is getting old (like me, apparently).

Some of this “Senior Driver”-targeted stuff got really strange. AutoViagra for ED (Engine Dysfunction) comes to mind. You pour a small bottle in your gas tank, and achieve peak engine performance in as little as ten minutes. I’m wondering if there isn’t some small-print warning that you should immediately see a certified mechanic if your vehicle’s over revving lasts more than four hours. Where do they think up this stuff?

Then there’s the company in Georgia where you send a copy of your glasses’ prescription, and they will fabricate a plastic film that adheres to your windshield so that it matches your prescription, and you no longer have to wear those pesky glasses that make you look even older. Just make sure that anyone else who drives your vehicle has at least as bad of eyesight as you. This product is not available for drivers in New York, North Dakota, Guam, or anyone who currently owns or in the last three years has owned a Seeing Eye dog. Some peanut products may have been used in the fabrication of this product. (What? Do they think you’d actually lick your windshield? Gross!)

For those older drivers who sometimes have problems getting in and out of cars, there is any number of uplifting power seat cushions, with the most popular one made by the same company that owns Victoria’s Secret. How uplifting is that?

Do you have a problem with arthritis in your hands? No problem. The Ronco only-available-on-TV company will sell you a heated steering-wheel cover — but wait — there’s more! By special arrangement with a generic knock-off drug company in China, the heated steering-wheel covers are coated with time release gels of KindaMotrin (blue steering wheel covers) or KindaAlleve (red steering wheel covers). The more you drive, the better your hands feel. But wait — there’s more! For a limited time, they’ll throw in your choice of a second gel-coated steering-wheel cover or a gel-coated accelerator pedal — absolutely free. You pay only the extra shipping and handling fee!

And last, and probably least, as you get older it can be more difficult to use that tiny mirror in the sun visor to do your makeup or squeeze a senior liver zit spot, or whatever. Now, you can get a mirror that is the full size of the visor — but wait, there’s more! It has three adjustable levels of magnification! And as an incentive to order quickly, you’ll get — absolutely free … wait for it, wait for it … A deluxe six-speed nose and ear hair trimmer — batteries included!