By Buster McNutt
It’s spring cleaning time at McNutt Manor! Earlier this year we replaced our toilets, and I just got back from taking the old ones to the Dump (ouch!). So I’m thinking it is only appropriate that I go through one of my Buster McNutt article idea boxes and either use’m or lose’m. This particular box was clippings and ideas from the 1990s. That’s right, little offspring of boomers and boomerettes, if you were born the year Buster McNutt first appeared in this publication, you’d be celebrating your first half-decade-and-change anniversary of being of legal drinking age in all 48 states — just kidding! Thanks to a fine public education I’m well aware that Alaska and Puerto Rico (or is it Guam?) are also states.
Here goes….
The Top Five towing company mottos, from Towing and Recovery PHOOTNOTES (sister publication to Pit and Quarry): “We’re on our Toes,” “We’ll give you a hand, if you’ll give us your Tows,” “I go where I am Towed,” “We’re pulling for you,” and “You maul ’em, we haul ’em.”
The NHTSA was investigating a rash of exploding batteries on a popular sedan. But so far, no CHARGES had been filed by Federal REGULATORS. So the auto manufacturer could continue CELLING them. And the automaker was POSITIVE this would not GENERATE any NEGATIVE publicity. Their feeling was that all this could just blow over easily, but likely as not it will actually DIE HARD!
I’m not saying that driver training instructors in public schools need to be the sharpest knives in the drawer, but I’m a little concerned that my son’s instructor told him that the engine was “that thing you hear sometimes when the radio breaks down.” This particular instructor also teaches German. He gave the kids in his German class who were also in his driving class the following translations to memorize: Windshield Wiper = Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder, and Fuel Gauge = Der Walletemptyung Meter.
From the Honk If You Love Elsie Department: The ICLA (International Cow Lovers Association) has released a study that disproves the auto industry’s claim that cow “emissions” create more pollution than automobiles. When asked to comment, an auto industry spokesman said, “Well yeah, but when was the last time you had to scrape car doodie off your shoes?”
You have to wonder if some of the car companies are having trouble because of the names of their cars, and may also be missing some opportunities by tweaking those names a bit. For example, what exactly is a Passat? Wasn’t that one of Santa’s reindeer? Why didn’t Volkswagen just keep the Quantum name, and come out with a “Leap” version? Did they really believe that anybody in the rust belt would buy a car named “Corrado?” Why not an upscale Golf named the “Club?” And why didn’t Audi have a model sold only in the Western U.S. called the “Partner?” And for the nostalgic baby boomers, the Audi “Doodie.” What woman wouldn’t go for an Isuzu Impulse “Shopper?” And for the bathroom challenged, why not a KIA “Pectate?” — to say nothing of a SAAB “Story,” a Subaru Justy “Minute,” and for the criminally-challenged and those who love them, a Maxima “Sentence?”
From the Anagram Cracker Department: I went through a period where my idea of an intellectually-stimulating activity was taking car names and rearranging the letters into automotive related words or phrases (and the yawns just keep on coming). This was after my period of keeping track of on how many dirty vehicles a day I could trace “Wash Me” on the back glass, with bonus points given if someone was still in the vehicle, and super bonus points if it was moving at the time. My one day record was 137 (Christmas Eve day at a large shopping mall) with 34 bonus points — older people tend to fall asleep in mall parking lots, and we have lots of older people in Florida, and one super bonus point, which I really can’t talk much about. It involved a hearse in a two-days-after-Christmas funeral procession on a dirt road. Turns out the dead person had also been one of my bonus points on my record-setting day. I remember thinking that she was really in a deep sleep in her car. Most older people snore and dribble in their sleep, so maybe she had already “crossed over,” and if so I probably should deduct that point out of respect, but then again, the rules didn’t say bonus points were limited to at-the-time-alive-people in the vehicle. I remember being pretty bummed out at the time — those bonus points don’t exactly grow on trees! So I changed my activity to rearranging vehicle names, which my therapist took as a positive sign. Okay, now to the rearrangements:
• Aerostar – A Rat Sore
• A severely mechanically-challenged Daihatsu Charade – Car Aid Huts Ahead
• Sunbeam Tiger – A bum steering
• Possibly one of the least attractive cars of its time: Austin America – I stain U camera
• If you were fooled into buying a particularly unreliable Used Kia Sephia in Korea – Dupes hike Asia
• Thinking of going camping in a Geo Storm? – Get rooms
• If you are from the Deep South, drive a FIAT Spider and hate British cars – Die Spit Far
• A Ford Aspire would be a great taxi – I drop fares.
• A cat-loving owner of a Dodge Neon – Need no Dog
And we end with the oldie-but-still-mouth-watering menu from the Road Kill Café in McLeod, Mont., (motto: “From your grill to ours”): Flat Cat, Center Line Bovine, The Chicken (that didn’t cross the road), Road Toad a la Mode, Rigor Mortis Tortoise, Slab of Lab, Poodles-n-Noodles, Cocker Cutlets, and Snippet O’Whippet. The entire menu was available for next-day air delivery, but because of recent airline regulations, they will no longer be able to ship the Bag-n-Gag sandwiches (“anything dead, in bread”), which unfortunately included the very popular Chunks of Skunks. Yummy!
Granted, this was not one of my more original columns.
But it sure was Punny! •
