By Buster McNutt
Wow. Who wouldn’t want glow-in-the- dark electric socks for Christmas? It could have been worse — last Christmas saw the big three, destined to live unopened in the top of the closet for three to four years, until such time as I either re-gift them to whomever gave them to me, soak them in two-stroke motor oil until my memory of what they were is erased, or, in the case of the battery-operated Chucky doll that repeatedly stabs a Styrofoam replica of Elmer Fudd, I burn the house down, move to a doublewide in Kentucky, join one of those snake-handling churches, and take up nose yodeling again.
How bad were the gifts? You be the judge: 1) a gift card for a 10-percent discount on a colonoscopy at TailScopes R Us; 2) a Spanish-language edition of “Slim Whitman’s Greatest Hits”; and 3) a year’s membership to Opra Winfrey’s Fruitcake of the Month Club. I rest my case.
So, to keep this from happening to any of my loyal readers, I’ve decided to put together the official Buster McNutt, Greatest Clunker-Friendly Christmas Gifts of All Time List. Some of these I have been given in the past, some I have given, and there was one that I gave and then three years later had re-gifted to me. You gotta love Christmas traditions.
Auto Depends: These are essentially “diapers” for older vehicles. It’s no secret that older cars and trucks sometimes have bladder control issues, and are known to occasionally (as in every day of the week that ends in “ay”) leak a veritable rainbow of assorted precious auto bodily fluids on the driveway. This is not so much a problem if you have a dirt driveway or perhaps you park in the grass, since the worst that could happen would be that these fluids would travel down through the ground and under great pressure, in a few million years or so, give birth to new species of dinosaurs that would eventually pop out of the ground, consume all of Opra’s fruitcakes, and then, not being able to get that terrible taste out of their mouths, would proceed to consume whatever intelligent life still existed on earth. But, given the time frame involved, as well as the statue of limitations, I think you’d be off the hook. If not, I’m sure there will still be lawyers around — I’m guessing they would taste even worse than the fruitcake.
Here’s how Auto Depends works: You attach the large roller to the end of your driveway. Inside the roller is the auto diaper. When you slowly drive over the roller, it attaches the diaper to the underside of your vehicle. Any vehicle leakage is absorbed in the diaper using SNT (Sanitary Napkin Technology). When you are ready to leave, you slowly back over the roller, and the diaper is returned to the inside of the roller. In extensive laboratory testing, a single auto diaper would last an average of 30 uses, at which time the roller would appear bloated and somewhat cranky.
Backup Periscope: This is a low-cost, diesel/electric-submarine-grade alternative to expensive aftermarket backup camera systems that rely on a smart phone and enough body filler free surface area on the rear of your vehicle to attach the camera. You drill a two-inch diameter hole in the vehicle’s roof between the steering wheel and rear view mirror. Then you go to the Soldier of Fortune website and download the plans for their Bunker-Down-Lookie-Seeie-Scope. This was originally designed for life underground in case of a nuclear attack, or maybe when the dinosaurs start popping out of the ground. The scope is made entirely of two-inch PVC pipe and elbows, and vanity mirrors salvaged from passenger side sun visors. Once assembled, the head elbow of the scope sticks out of the hole in the roof. When you are ready to use it, you simply push the PVC pipe up until you get the view you want. In addition to being a great backing-up tool, you can also swivel it to the side at drive-through windows to make sure they actually are “making it your way,” unless by chance “your way” involves Rachel Ray in a bikini shaping up the patties and handing them to Tom Brady (also in a bikini) to add the tomato, lettuce, cheese and maybe have one of his Super Bowl rings slip off and get stuck in the special sauce … Dream on, pal. Brady, maybe, but Rachel Ray in a bikini isn’t going to happen.
Old-School Tire Monitor: We don’t need no stinkin’ expensive tire-pressure monitor sensors! With Blow Hard Industries new AirMarshallDillon, you’ll never have to worry again that a tire is low on air. And what could be simpler? A high-pressure hose is attached to each wheel’s valve stem seal, and routed under the vehicle and up through the hole where you’ve removed the cigarette lighter. Each of the hoses is then attached to one of four digital tire gauges. The backs of the gauges contain the same sticky stuff you use to catch mice in your home. You just peel the paper off, and stick the gauges wherever you’d like on the dash. Now you can look over, at any speed, and check your tire pressure! Plus you’ll never again have to wonder if you have mice in your vehicle! But wait, there’s more! The fittings to the gauges can easily be removed, and you can use the excess air in the tires to inflate things inside your car! Say you are by yourself driving through Atlanta and traffic is hopelessly backed up, except in the HOV lane. No problem! You simply reach under the seat and pull out your inflatable travel buddy (available in either gender, various skin colors, and a wide range of tattoos and non-piercing body piercings.) Just take a few minutes to pump up your travel buddy/buddette, strap them in the passenger seat, and head over to the HOV lane! Just remember to deflate him/her before you go through the drive-through lane at the Krispy Kreme when the fresh doughnut sign is lit.
There just might be a dozen or so police officers inside. Just saying! •
