By Buster McNutt
Forget gold coins, pre-1965 silver coins, and those rare 1973 one dollar bills with Alfred E. Newman’s picture on the front, and on the back, the USDA Food Pyramid with four slices of white bread replaced by a Happy Meal, a Twinkie, and three Atomic Jaw Breakers. Sell them all and invest in toilet paper (Select-A-Size, if available), Barbie Easy-Bake Ovens, empty soup cans and lots of string. And of course, as many 1958 to 1965 Allstate Cruisaire motor scooters as you can find, especially if they have the canvas paper boy sacks hung over the handle bars.
I’m referring of course to the recent government Wiki/Watchie Leaks from the top secret EPA — Emergency Preparedness Agency. What? You thought there really was an “Environmental Protection Agency”? What part of “We’re from the government and we’re here to HELP you” do you not understand? Five years ago, in a “big ears only” presentation to President Obama, the EPA disclosed that the three biggest threats to our country’s long-term survival were an invasion of pesticide resistant mutant vampire bats, bubonic plague-tainted, multi-hour energy drinks, and the most serious and most likely, the explosion of a nuclear bomb high enough in the atmosphere to send down a wave of (put your science hats on, boys and girls) Electromagnetic Pulses (EMPs) that would instantly fry all electronic devices in the country, which includes the computer-controlled national electrical grid, all post-1980 or so cars, trucks, trains and planes, and, of course, the final season of “American Idol.”
The report went on to say that the highest probability launchers of such a device would be: 1) a rogue nation such as North Dakota and/or North Korea; 2) a disgruntled nuclear missile launch officer in a silo in (you guessed it) North Dakota, whose favorite movie was “WarGames,” had a tattoo of Matthew Broderick on his chest, and only that morning had been served with divorce papers from his wife who then drove off with his pickup truck, dog, Collectors Edition Blues Brothers poseable action figures, and his entire collection of Willie Nelson CDs, except for the one she made for him that repeatedly played the song “Georgia,” which, not coincidentally, happened to be her name; and 3) a nerdy kid named Spacey Mike Russell who was president of his high school rocket club, went missing on a field trip to Oak Ridge, Tenn., and was last seen leaving the nuclear fuel enrichment building with a DEVO-inspired hazmat suit and a lead-shielded Burt and Ernie lunch box.
Which gets us of course to Area 51, the top-secret government facility in Nevada that we were led to believe had something to do with alien technology, but which in fact is the site of a network of EMP hardened underground bunkers containing, among other things, 92 percent of every pre-1980 American vehicle that has been sold on Craigslist for the past five years. Craigslist has long been rumored to be a front for covert government information gathering, along with eHarmony (the Christian Mingling hook-up site?), and the names, addresses and magazine preferences of everyone who has ever responded to a Publishers Clearing House mailing.
There are those who would say the government wants to control all these computer-free vehicles so, in the aftermath of an EMP attack, clunker owners wouldn’t be able to drive to Costco and deplete the shelves of all the Charmin Ultra Soft Bonus roll toilet paper, while the rest of the vehicle-less population would be limited to looting their neighborhood grocery stores for the remaining supply of Northern, and even worse, store brand toilet paper.
So any personal survival strategy would start with buying at least one older, computer-free vehicle. It should have a carburetor, points and condenser distributor, no ABS, heated seats, blue or any other color tooth connections, and definitely no bumper stickers talking about your honor society kid, saving whales, nuking Jane Fonda, or Obama/Biden bumper stickers, since, should the EMPs hit the fan, most gun-toting Americans will assume this was caused directly by Obama Care. I’d also avoid buying any car that has North Dakota plates, just to be on the safe side.
Older cars don’t get such great mileage, so you’ll need a large supply of gasoline. I’d suggest buying and burying a large gasoline storage tank in your backyard. Several reputable “sustainable lifestyle” magazines have advertising for companies that sell 500 gallon tanks. I know I’ve seen the ads in Soldier of Mother Earth News Fortune magazine. They deliver the tank disguised as a septic tank so the neighbors won’t get suspicious — if you live in a neighborhood with city sewage, just tell the neighbors the tank is for the runoff from the solar water heater you are installing on the roof, and then go into a lengthy discussion of the technology involved, the tree-hugger benefits, your recent colonoscopy screening … At some point they will lose interest and walk away. To fill the tank just park your full gas tank vehicle next to it and then sneak out in the middle of the night and drain fuel into the storage tank. It will take a couple weeks to fill it up unless you drive and routinely park a tractor trailer in your back yard, in which case I’m assuming you don’t live in “that kind of a neighborhood.” Oh, and do not order the tank online if you’ve ever used Craigslist, eHarmony, or actually responded to a Publishers Clearing House mailing.
As the crisis deepens, theft might also be a problem, so you’ll need to hide your vehicle. One way is to buy an old single-wide trailer, strip away the walls and ceiling and attach them to your vehicle with magnets. To add realism put a washing machine on the “front porch,” an even older car up on blocks in the “front yard,” and a burn pit in the “back yard,” possibly with some singed Sudafed boxes on the ground.
Or you could hide it “in plain sight” by removing all the domestic nameplates and replacing them with Asian vehicle nameplates, since obviously all of them would be computer-controlled, and thus useless. I’d still avoid Korean nameplates though. Korea, Dakota, North, South, bad country, badlands … there’s a difference?
I wouldn’t bet my last EMP on it. •
